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Galaca7 is the blog of Jimmy L. Gaines, Sr. Check back frequently for updates, photos, movie reviews and news!

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Penelope Cruz, Johnny Depp and Ian McShane in “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” (Walt Disney Co.)

“Front Row Seat Movie Review”

I give “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” “Three Barbecue Bones”. I do not know where Disney was headed with this movie by tampering with the immortality of the pirates. Johnny Depp who played “Captain Jack Sparrow” was excellent in his role in spite of the movie. But I am somewhat confused when watching the show because of the poor quality of the special effects. The “Mermaids” added to the story. But there were times when the animation took away from the performance. I would mildly recommend seeing this movie. It is my feeling if you are a Pirates fan you would still enjoy following the episodes of “Captain Jack Sparrow”. But if you’re not a diehard “Pirates of the Caribbean” fan this movie is not for you.

The name of my movie review is “Front Row Seat Movie Review”.

Clarification of my rating levels are as follows:

My rating system starts with the lowest level of:

¤ One Chicken Bone: Is the Lowest level “pretty bad!”

If a movie receives this rating you should avoid it during your lifetime! ‘You shouldn’t even see a “bootleg” copy of this movie!

¤ Poor: One Barbeque Bone

¤ Fair: Two Barbeque Bones

¤ OK: Three Barbeque Bones

¤ Good: Four Barbeque Bones

¤ Excellent: Five Barbeque Bones

¤ Outstanding: The upper level rating for a movie is “Five Barbeque Bones with Barbeque Sauce”. If a movie receives this rating, you need to stop whatever you are doing and go to see it now!

Jimmy Sr.

Movie Info

PG-13, 2 hr. 17 min.

Action & Adventure, Science Fiction & Fantasy, Comedy

Directed By: Rob Marshall

Written By: Ted Elliot, Terry Rossio

In Theaters: May 20, 2011 Wide

Box Office:$90.2M

Walt Disney Pictures

By Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times Film Critic

May 20, 2011

If not for Capt. Jack Sparrow there would be absolutely no fun to be found in “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides,” the latest edition of Disney’s waterlogged franchise. But Johnny Depp, back again as the swashbuckling miscreant who favors guy-liner and gold, somehow manages to keep this ship of fools afloat. But just barely.

With Rob Marshall newly at the helm, the hope was for a significant course correction after the bloat and confusion of 2007’s “At World’s End.” Though just why the studio turned to a director who has been struggling since helping “Chicago” win a best picture Oscar nearly a decade ago, is stranger than the tides (To wit: “Memoirs of a Geisha” and “Nine.” I rest my case).

It seems his chief recommendations are that A) he’s a really nice guy, something not to be underestimated in Hollywood, which is not the nice-guy capital of the world, and B) he knows his way around sequins and show-stoppers. You can see how that might translate as “Pirates” has long favored flamboyance in all things.

Unfortunately, being fashion forward and light on your feet isn’t enough. Simply put: “On Stranger Tides” is still not seaworthy, nor Sparrow worthy for that matter. At least director Gore Verbinski, who launched the enchanting whimsy of the first “POTC: The Curse of the Black Pearl” in 2003 — only to be upended by the rough waters so often churned up by sequels and threequels — had the good sense to make an exit before completely running aground.

There are some amusements in “Tides,” which is ever so slightly better than its predecessor. Particularly grand is a whiz-bang early number that evokes that brief, shining moment when the franchise was first riding high. It involves Capt. Jack, a hanging offense, a double-cross, a pasty monarch with a pastry buffet (both abundant) and a king-sized dining hall filled with chandeliers and staircases just made for swordplay and foul play. It helps get things off to a fast start.

The newest shipmates include Penélope Cruz as Angelica, a former lover of Capt. Jack whose paterfamilias is none other than the villainous Blackbeard, Ian McShane doing his witty wicked thing. She’s a lethal beauty who has a winning way with a rapier but suffers far worse battles with the bad lighting, which can be the only explanation for the fact that Cruz looks more sullen than sultry most of the time.

The fresh fish come in the form of Astrid Berges-Frisbey as Syrena, an ethereal mermaid with a come-hither look and a nasty bite (she’s part of a mermaid coven with “Jaws”-ian/Jungian issues — so scary); and a soul-saving hunk of missionary love in Philip (promising Brit, Sam Claflin). The old hands are led by Sparrow’s nemesis, Geoffrey Rush once again embodying the hygiene-challenged Barbossa.

Depp, as I mentioned, is in top form, Capt. Jacking his way along, charming the socks off of everyone with those mischievous, ever shifting, slightly winking, always twinkling eyes; the ironic smile exposing a few gold teeth that somehow have always suited him. A cameo that puts Depp across from his inspiration for the character, the Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards, as lad and dad locked in a conspiratorial conversation is pure pleasure — at least for the 12 or so seconds it’s on screen.

Most of the film’s two-plus hours is taken up by the hunt for the legendary Fountain of Youth, a story “suggested” by the Tim Powers novel that gives the film the second half of its name and Blackbeard his zombie crew; the script is from Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who have been there from the beginning.

Not surprisingly, everyone wants a piece of the action, so the seas are soon crowded with tall ships, some manned by the British with Barbossa carrying an old grudge. There’s Blackbeard’s boat with Angelica, Capt. Jack and the zombies, who frankly aren’t all that fearful, just a bit more motley than the average crew. Then to make things more complicated (one of the franchise’s fatal flaws), we have the Spanish, who show up early for everything and add another layer to the weird religious thread started by Philip and carried through the film.

Finding the fountain is just the start; its powers can only be unlocked by … again, it’s complicated, but if I remember correctly mermaid tears, silver chalices, unfiltered water and a mixology degree are involved.

Now if all that sounds like a promising place to work a lot of 3-D magic, then boy are you in for a major letdown. The Ds in this instance stand for dark and dismal and disastrously claustrophobic. The production design is strangely ancient, as if the actors stumbled onto a sound stage filled with old props. Even the Fountain of Youth, the object of everyone’s desire, looks as if it were carved out of gray Styrofoam. And that, mateys, is no way to steer a ship. Aargh.

betsy.sharkey@latimes.com